This is something I've been thinking about off an on lately. I've been thinking about it as I've helped my sister prepare for the birth of her baby. I've been thinking about it since a friend of mine mentioned some emotional issues he's going through. And I've been thinking about it since I'm now on some medications that are helping me sleep and generally helping my mood.
I think it's time to share the fact that I had - or am possibly still recovering from - postpartum depression.
Over the past few years, I have come to the understanding that a lot of people - myself included - suffer from mood issues like anxiety and depression... but that a lot of people don't talk about it. There's a stigma. If you're depressed, there's "Something Wrong With You." But we don't talk that way about allergies, or high blood pressure, or migraines. So why do we feel that way about mental health?
Almost two years ago, I started seeing a counselor for my anxiety. I had a near-panic attack over a difficult customer at work and decided I was tired of worrying. I was tired of my hands shaking when someone got angry with me on the phone. I was tired of laying awake at night mulling over little things that might go wrong.
My counselor really helped me - not in the sense that she cured me or made it go away - but in the sense that she helped me understand my anxiety as a chronic medical condition that comes and goes. As an allergy sufferer, this made perfect sense to me. I have various seasonal allergies, and a couple allergies that will trigger migraines.
With the anxiety, as with the allergies, there are certain things that bother me, certain times of year (when I was working) that I could count on to be worse - and therefore prepare myself. Just as with allergies, this is just something I have, something I will always have. Counseling didn't make my anxiety disappear, just as sinus surgery didn't make my allergies disappear. But I also understand now that it's not something I did wrong. It's just the way my body (in the sense of allergies) or my mind (in the sense of anxiety) works. It's nothing to be ashamed of, just as my nearsightedness is nothing to be ashamed of.
I was still seeing my counselor when I got pregnant and we discussed various things related to the pregnancy, including the fact that my history of anxiety put me at greater risk for postpartum depression. (Ironically, I stopped seeing her about half-way into the pregnancy, as we felt I had improved enough to no longer warrant counseling.)
As it turns out, I ended up being at very high risk for postpartum depression, based on a lot of factors, including: the previously-mentioned history of anxiety; a long labor; a traumatic labor*; trouble breastfeeding; trouble healing; an overly-fussy baby, and other factors. Looking back, I shouldn't have been surprised that I developed depression.
*Elianna's heart rate dropped at one point and we came extremely close to having to go for an emergency C-section.
It kind of crept up on us. I think for a long time Jason and I didn't recognize the difference between the sleep deprivation and the mood change. Then it was "the Holidays" - everyone gets stressed out during the holidays - and Elianna peaked at the worst of her fussiness and tummy issues around that time. Then at Elianna's six-month appointment in January, I was so upset and frustrated (and honestly, not even unreasonably so) that Jason had to take over asking our questions of the pediatrician. When we left, the pediatrician said she was worried about me. The next day, we visited Jason's family for his birthday. Elianna was a horrible fuss, and I was a wreck. Jason's family said they were worried about me.
Jason and I decided to make some changes. We decided I needed to get out of the house and do something without Elianna on a regular basis. And we did this for a couple weeks. I was feeling a lot better by late February.
Then, of course, we went into lock-down in mid-March.
But... oddly enough... the quarantine didn't make me feel worse. I mean, yeah, I was worried about the state of the world. But Jason was home with me every day. We alternate mornings getting up with Elianna. Her tummy's better. She's eating better and sleeping through the night. He can spend more time playing with her, and she naps reliably. I'm also on an anti-anxiety medication and a sleep medication. (Oh, yes, and 5,000 allergy medications.)
The last two days, I have woken up and felt... good. Not overly tired. Actually motivated and somewhat energetic. Oh, my god, do I finally feel normal?
The point to this long, rambling post is this: talk about your mental state. Don't hold it in until you get to the point where you can't function. Everyone talks about their allergies, their cholesterol, their weight. Let's talk about mental health. Let's make it just as much a coffee time chit chat with your girls discussion as "I'm trying keto."
I hope this post helps someone. If one person reads this and says, "oh, my god, I think I need to talk to someone about this," I am glad I could have helped.